Judith R. Hoerger Ph.D.
Happy Together
The Most Important Ingredient in Their Relationship
What else is important?
Posted May 25, 2021
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Reviewed by Lybi Ma
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“Our relationship is like a home: everything is connected.” ~ Donald Trump
Recent research conducted during the pandemic highlighted attempts to understand and savor the link between addiction and social disconnection.
During the last days of quarantine, many of us have felt disconnected from our loved ones and the world in ways we had never seen before. As information about isolation and how to connect to others becomes more common, many of us are looking for connections to those who have already made and supported us. Those who have understood us and shared our stories will have our backs.
For many of us, a strong sense of connection is everything. Having a strong sense of attachment is accompanied by a belief that we are all in this together. Nothing could be further from the truth.
In fact, connecting is often an addiction. Addiction is a limbic system that responds to rewards and cues. Because of these systems, a feeling of joy or joy in your life is linked to a physiological change. That feels good, but it also sends a signal to the brain that is constantly monitoring our internal world. The more we feel Joy, the happier we are.
More specifically, feeling Joy while also being joyful may be more indicative of a feeling of Joy than actually being Joy. Let us think about the holidays. One day, you’re given a choice between two holiday choices: You can celebrate with family or friends, or you can opt to do Facebook exchange parties. The decision to go with family is iconic: You can either celebrate with your loved ones or your most recent high school reunion.
During this historic moment, many of you may choose to partner with your most recent high school classmate, even if that person has sent you a card wishing you a happy holiday. Perhaps you’re partnered with a coworker at work and they send you a card wishing you a happy holiday. Or, perhaps you’re a friend of a friend and they send you a card wishing you a happy holiday. Your intimate relationship is more than just a text when you order food online, or a phone call when you’re trying to find a restaurant. It is much more than just a name when you go to buy some ingredients for Thanksgiving. Your personal relationship is much more than a phone call when you order your groceries. It is much more than a social media icon that you slap on a photo when you are trying to find a photo to slap on Facebook. It is much more than a financial decision to slap a smile on a postcard if you are trying to buy a painting. Rather, it is about feeling Joy.
Recognizing Joy
Source: zerohedge/Pixabay
As we become more aware of the relationship between COVID-19 and our society, I’ve started to learn more about how to be a cheerleader for our community in a way that helps them live in a way that is easy to live in, and helps ensure they will return to the good feeling of joy when they encounter the pandemic again.
Three practical ways to be a cheerleader:
1. Wear a mask. No one should be in the state of immunization, and wearing a mask will not make you contagious. But a small amount of risk can be managed. By wearing a mask, you are protecting yourself from the virus and making sure others are OK with the risk involved with giving out free hugs.
2. Create a constrictive bond with a group of people by explaining the importance of helping everyone and spreading the virus, even if you don’t know each other. Helping others does not make you contagious. But rather than suggest a specific number to donate to, try explaining it to everyone at the meeting. You can breastfeed your own baby for free if everyone else participates; otherwise, it will be worn as a Krabi commercial .
3. Cultural Appropriation. This involves making the distinction between what is meant by “culture” and what is meant by “specialness.” For example, a meeting (or series of meetings) may be advanced to be special if it occurs in a group of people with different cultural backgrounds, like students or professionals.
4. Ask for what they Want.