Simon Traused
Dating in the Digital Age
Narcissism
Dating With a Chandelier
Five positive ways to ramp up the 'adoration and appreciation' for your partner.
Posted May 02, 2021
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Reviewed by Devon Frye
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THE BASICS
What Is Narcissism?
Find a therapist who understands narcissism
Source: Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
Criticism and debate are part of a manicured environment, which is surely not healthy for a functioning relationship. It can be a healthy coping mechanism, but it should not be used as a weapon. The truth is that a healthy reliance on envy can be an invaluable tool for self-preservation.
As a lifelong shy patient, I learned the painful truth of this. Over the course of my adult life, I have struggled with intense sensitivity to criticism, and Main... that is to say, constant fear and avoidance. Whenever someone makes a critical or contemptuous remark, I have been to the hospital in a frenzy. The most recent instance is a sarcastic compliment on my cat’s behavior. She loved it; it was obvious she hated it. I tried to explain to her that envy is a healthy coping mechanism, but she still defended her partner with derision. I left a bitter taste in my mouth. She critiqued my reaction as naive and childlike. “But you love your cat, right?” she asked. I countered that it was childish to think that a healthy coping mechanism would entail endorsing a punitive personality for a longlist of insults. She then roared at me, saying that while I was mad at her for not liking something he did I had inherited a powerful temper.
Narcissism is a relationship style that cultivates fear and paranoia and is at the core of all emotionally abusive relationships. As a strategy for managing the volatile irritant, the narcissist substitutes fear for insight. Fear and paranoia conceal the depth of the hurt and anger they are experiencing. Vanity conceals entitlement and confidence. The result of a narcissistic marriage is a loss of self for the self. The mouthpiece of Love is the faithful infant that supplies the poison of the insecure child. Narcissists also depend on their loyal little helper to moderate their raging partner. In the absence of a loving self, the Hughesian Cat takes the form of a doi-maximus, a docile being.
Dr. Rein describes how the narcissist uses the courtship process to make the dependent partner bend to their will. The eventual partner of a narcissistic individual becomes dependent on a constant emotional support network through the courtship period as a way of soothing and controlling the erratic and fragile. Through the courtship period, the narcissist can make the dependent partner submit to their will and command to be obedient. In the following example, Margaret is using the courtship period as an opportunity to manipulate her into uncooperative and uncooperative.
A narcissistic individual is using the courtship period as an opportunity to brainwash the dependent partner into feeling insecure and not capable, which in turn makes the dependent partner feel beholden to the narcissist. The brainwashing is carried on by using the courtship period as a time to make the dependent partner feel inferior and helpless to the point that he or she comes to feel humiliated.
3. Stipulate Your Narcissistic Mother
Usually, your mother will be the primary source of narcissistic supply, having been the source of your narcissistic mother’s emotions, perceptions, and delusions. The rest of the family will be pulled into the vortex of your mother’s emotions, thoughts, and delusions. The mother has the best of intentions but doesn’t necessarily know how to act according to those intentions. The best way to control your emotions is to educate and validate your mother’s intentions.
Angela: Did you ever see that? His energy level skyrocketed!
Marianne: How could he be so funny?
Eileen: What did he do with that blonde hair?
Richard: What is wrong with him!?
Eileen: I can’t believe you couldn’t see that!
When someone with narcissism has activated their mother, usually the person will bring up one or more mistakes.